• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Heartspoken

Heartspoken words will never fail you

  • Home
  • Start Here
    • Media/Press Kit
    • About Elizabeth
    • Resources
  • Blog
    • Faith (Connect with God)
    • Connection (Connect with others)
    • Self-Knowledge (Connect with Self)
    • Nature (Connect with the natural world)
    • Note and Letter Writing
    • Books and Reading
    • Writer Resources
  • Need a Writer/Editor?
    • Writing & Editing Services
    • My Portfolio
    • Testimonials
  • Reading room
    • Heartspoken book
      • Media/Press Kit
    • What I’m Reading
    • The Heartspoken Bookshop
  • Contact
What We Say Makes A Difference

What We Say Makes A Difference

By Elizabeth Cottrell

I am 63 years old, and I am still astounded at the pleasure—and yes, the pain—that can come as a result of someone’s words, often quickly or casually said. The ones that give me pleasure are like a ray of sunshine and instant euphoria:

  • I cleaned out my desk this weekend, and you wouldn’t believe how many handwritten notes I had from you. I saved and treasure each one.
  • Your encouragement made so much difference to me.
  • Your song in church was like a hug from God.
  • I’m so happy to see you!

The words that cause pain are like a knife jab to the heart, and sadly, the people who cause them are often oblivious.

I’m writing today to say, please, don’t be oblivious! Don’t be oblivious to the power of your words.

You’re likely to be around more family and friends during the holidays than usual, and you’ll have lots of opportunities to speak words that deliver either love or pain. Please choose love. Don’t let those you love get on your nerves, even if they’re loud or eat too much or drink too much. Don’t risk hurting them with a comment about their weight or how tired they look or how you wish they’d wear different colors. You’ll forget you ever said it, but they won’t.

Others may actually be rude or hurtful to you, but don’t take the bait. Resist the urge to retaliate with hurtful words of your own. If you must respond, defuse things when you can. “What you just said really hurt my feelings because it sounded like (fill in the blank). Did you mean that?” When I’ve had the courage to say something like that, I’ve been amazed how often they didn’t mean what I thought at all. By giving them the opportunity to explain, I saved us both from more pain. Sometimes it’s best just to walk away.

[NOTE: I am not talking about truly abusive situations or circumstances, but rather the common types of interaction that occur whenever family members get together. If your situation is more serious, seek professional help.]

I just want to remind you — and myself too — that it really makes a difference what we say, especially at this holy time of year. In an inspiring TED talk by orchestra conductor and musician Benjamin Zander, he told of meeting a woman who shared her story of being sent to a German concentration camp when she was a girl, along with her very young brother. On the train in which they were shoved like cattle, she realized her little brother had lost his shoes. In her fear and exhaustion, she fussed at him for being so careless. They were soon separated, and she never saw him again. Her words of anger and frustration were the last ones she ever spoke to him. Years later, when she finally walked out of that hell on earth into a new life, she made this vow,

I will never say anything that can’t stand as the last thing I ever say.  

This is what I challenge you to do this holiday. And then every day of your life afterward. Make your words bridges, not weapons. Use them to connect, not divide.

You won’t always succeed, but oh, the effort will have been worth it!

Share
Tweet
Share
Pin
More
Email

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Pamela says

    December 21, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    This post gave me the shivers. So so so so true. Thank you for the reminder – especially important this time of year when we’re surrounded by family!!! I will never forget the words of the woman who suffered from the Holocaust.
    Blessings.

    Reply
    • Elizabeth Cottrell says

      December 23, 2013 at 1:53 am

      Me, too, Pamela! When I first heard that story, I knew it would haunt me forever. And isn’t it ironic that when we’re around family, we’re the most vulnerable to being hurt by someone’s words? I guess it’s because these are usually the people whose opinion of us matters most.

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

      Reply
  2. Sarah C. Albritton says

    December 19, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    I like to remember the lines from Emily Dickinson–
    “A word is dead
    when it is said,
    some say.
    I say it just begins
    to live
    that day.”

    What are our words birthing into the world?
    Beautiful post, as always!

    Reply
    • Elizabeth Cottrell says

      December 23, 2013 at 1:50 am

      Thanks for this poignant piece from Emily Dickinson, Sarah. It’s perfect for what I was trying to convey. On a related tangent, I am remembering another little piece I’ve always loved called “Outwitted” by Edwin Markham:

      He drew a circle that shut me out-
      Heretic , rebel, a thing to flout.
      But love and I had the wit to win:
      We drew a circle and took him In!

      Thank you for commenting!

      Reply
  3. Annette Petrick says

    December 18, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    Elizabeth – Beautifully phrased and presented. Your thoughts are always so pure and enlightening. Thank you sincerely for sharing them so often. May you continue to provide inspiration and joy throughout 2014.

    Reply
    • Elizabeth Cottrell says

      December 18, 2013 at 2:25 pm

      Thanks so much, Annette. That is high praise from someone who also shares so many words of love and encouragement at http://considerthisonline.com. Your “Consider This” reflections are always an inspiration.

      Reply
  4. Karen R. Sanderson says

    December 18, 2013 at 6:32 am

    How odd I should find this post in my inbox this morning. Just yesterday, someone at work said something hurtful (and borderline inappropriate) to me and it stuck with me and bugged me all morning! It took a lot of effort to shake it off, remembering that this person is just plain negative and a must-get-the-last-word meanie. While I try to hang with friendly, upbeat people, both in person and on the net, every so often a negative comment sneaks in. When with family and friends, this holiday season and beyond, I will try to remain positive, loving, helpful with my comments and interactions. Thanks for the reminder, Elizabeth! (And in the future, I’m going to avoid the meanie!)

    Reply
    • Elizabeth Cottrell says

      December 18, 2013 at 1:54 pm

      It’s all so much easier said than done, Karen, and I hope I didn’t come across as sounding judgmental. We ALL have delivered AND received hurtful words and it’s just something worth working on. I really appreciate your sharing this experience. I’m quite sure many will identify with it!

      Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Get the monthly Compass Points newsletter plus our "Connection Magic" Guide!

Success! Now check your email to confirm your subscription.

There was an error submitting your subscription. Please try again.

Elizabeth Cottrell, aka RiverwoodWriter

Elizabeth Cottrell headshot

I am a freelance writer, ghostwriter, and blogger called to encourage readers to strengthen the bonds of faith, family, and friends and to cultivate the joy and impact of personal, handwritten notes and letters. More Info.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Connect with me!

  • Bloglovin
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Looking for something?

What do you want to explore?

Beautiful Notecards from Meriah Kruse Designs

Become a Hope*Writer

I am a Virginia Blogger!

Virginia Bloggers logo

Heartspoken Outreach

Hands holding heart with page title

Write for Heartspoken

Guest posting guidelines title graphic

We love mail!

Heartspoken
P.O. Box 81
Maurertown, VA 22644  USA

Legal Pages

  • Heartspoken’s Privacy Policy
  • Heartspoken’s Affiliate Disclaimer
  • Heartspoken’s Privacy Policy
  • Heartspoken’s Affiliate Disclaimer

© 2022 • RiverwoodWriter, LLC and Heartspoken • P.O. Box 81 • Maurertown, VA 22644 • 540-436-3969