Welcome to guest blogger and Relationship Mentor, Sarah Anma. When I read the words “We don’t need drama. We need connection,” I knew this was something to share with my Heartspoken readers.

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When we think rationally, we would never say out loud that we “need” drama. In fact, most people would state that they avoid it like the plague. And yet, we shake our fists at a driver that cuts us off. Or we roll our eyes at a friend. Or we pick a fight with our beloved.

We don’t need drama. We need connection. We long for the feeling of belonging and loving. Often, when we don’t meet that need, we make mischief in order to achieve something! If we attempt to connect with our beloved and they are unavailable, it is all too easy to resort to a childish antic to get attention at whatever cost.

As a rehabilitating Drama Mama, the drama gets more and more subtle. As we shine the light of awareness, it can go underground so that it is harder to detect.

I still must be diligent about “poking the bear” as I put it. If I am in an emotionally immature state and don’t have the awareness to see that I am not getting my way, I may make some mischief to get a reaction, just to be sure that I still matter. I do not endorse this method!

Drama is addictive and flammable. When someone speaks of bad news and the listener gasps in horror that is putting gasoline on the drama-fire. Drama loves to be fed with re-enactments, exaggeration, and company.

This lousy and saccharine substitute for actual connection is dangerous to our well-being and the well-being of others.

Here are some signals of drama:

1. Worry or fantasy about things that are unknown/unseen and can’t be acted upon.
2. Taking on someone’s side to the point where you are having the same or larger emotional response as the person who is actually involved.
3. “Poking the bear” or making mischief in a relationship when things were going well.
4. Blaming someone else for our unhappiness.

Drama gets us off the hook for personal responsibility. If someone else is at fault or there is yet another “emergency,” then always we have an opportunity to shirk any responsibility for our own happiness.

Why would we do that? Because it takes a darn lot of courage to be happy and create a life that continues to grow and expand in that direction.

Your Assignment:

Can you see where drama has been holding you back? Are there areas where you could substitute vulnerability instead and get a more meaningful result? When you engage in drama, can you see it a little sooner and clean up any mess that may have been caused? Can you see where emotional immaturity is simply another form of fear of intimacy?

 

Sarah Anma, Relationship Mentor

Sarah Anma, Relationship Mentor, is founder of Art of Relationship which provides a proven step-by-step system for optimum relationships.  She helps frustrated singles figure and loving and committed couples to create and grow the love life beyond their wildest dreams.  To get your free CD, “How to Attract and Grow the Love of Your Life,” and receive weekly tips and tools visit http://www.artofrelationship.net.

 

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This may seem like a strange topic for someone who is passionate about learning to make and cultivate important Connections, but the cold hard truth is that all of our important connections with other people should also have boundaries. If you are someone who loves to do things for others, even when you don’t expect anything in return, you know that there are times when you get weary and resentful and feel that too many people “want a piece of you.” People in the caregiving fields are especially vulnerable: priests, physicians, psychiatrists and psychologists, nurses and social workers come to mind. Also at risk for falling into this trap are those caring for the disabled or the elderly or anyone with a chronic illness. None of us, however, is immune.

I confess that I am one of those people who has a hard time saying NO. I get involved in lots of worthwhile things, but from time to time, the perfect storm of circumstances arises and I find myself exhausted, mentally and physically. Then I become irritable and emotionally labile, and my poor husband bears the brunt of putting up with me until I get some rest and some perspective. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don’t we recognize our own boundaries and respect them?

Family relationships are particularly fraught with boundary invasion. Parents put their children on guilt trips when they act like their happiness is dependent on a particular action or set of behaviors by our children (“Why didn’t you come see me?” “Why didn’t you call me?” “Why won’t you come for Thanksgiving?”). One spouse controls the other through guilt rather than through love.

I’m reading an amazing book by Henry Cloud called Changes that Heal (click on book image below), and it is offering lots of insight into the ways that people drift into unhealthy relationships and fail to recognize or honor boundaries–their own and the boundaries of others. This can include thinking you should take responsibility for someone else’s happiness instead of letting them take responsibility for their own. We can’t make someone else happy, so why do we keep trying? Cloud offers scriptural support for emotional maturity that embraces taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness and cultivating a clear sense of our own boundaries and honoring them. That includes stopping the ridiculous habit of thinking we can be all things to all people or that we can single-handedly save the world…or, God forbid, that some organization or event or project could not possibly manage without our participation. Oh, Guilty, Guilty Guilty!

Now imagine a life in which we get to know ourselves and cultivate a relationship with a higher power, so that our communion with whatever power that might be (Cloud and I call it God) guides us in the choices we make for the use of our time, our energy, and our money. There are millions of worthy things out there calling to us, but we are not supposed to do them all.

So when you get to the crux of the matter, it’s all about Balance: the balance between Grace (unconditional love and acceptance) and Truth, what is real…the way things really are.  Henry Cloud reminds us that Truth without Grace is judgment, but Grace without Truth can lead to an “I can do anything, since I’ll be forgiven” mentality. “Real intimacy always comes in the company of Truth.” Cloud suggests that when we graft Grace to Truth, we get Growth.

From a psychological standpoint, our identity develops around our uniqueness and our separateness from others. When we connect with others in a healthy way, it should not involve losing our own identity and individuality. Real relationship with someone else is not possible without a strong sense of self. “Boundaries, in short, define us,” Cloud says. “In the same way that a physical boundary defines where a property line begins and ends, a psychological and spiritual boundary defines who we are and who we are not. ”

So we must own ourselves, our feelings, and our unique personhood. We are responsible for cultivating and discerning our own gifts and talents. We are responsible for our own happiness. We are responsible for how we spend our time, our energy, and our resources. If we give from a place of love and understanding, that is healthy and generous. If we give from a sense of obligation or compulsion, we place ourselves under the Tyranny of Shoulds, and the potential for damage is huge, since it makes us feel out of control, so we resent those persons or things whom we think control us. “It’s the opposite of freedom and the opposite of love.”

In your own life, where have you allowed others to violate your boundaries? Where have you been insensitive to the boundaries of others?

Explore this topic with me further when I am interviewed by Sarah Anma, Relationship Mentor from The Art of Relationship website on her monthly World Relationship Summit on Tuesday, March 22 at 5pm Pacific time/8pm Eastern time. Our topic will be, “How do you draw the line between giving and giving too much?” Join us or listen to the recording later. Through her website and her professional work, Sarah provides a proven step-by-step system for optimum relationships.

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Happy Valentine’s Day to my dear readers!

I confess to having mixed feelings about this holiday, primarily because it has been so shamelessly commercialized and thereby trivialized. I can only imagine what a painful day it is for those who are alone or who have suffered recent losses.

Since this is a blog about Connection, however, let’s connect with the roots of the day. According to Wikipedia, Saint Valentine’s Day (shortened later to Valentine’s Day) was established in the fifth century by Pope Gelasius to commemorate one or more Christian martyrs. It has come to represent a time for lovers to celebrate their love and affection with gifts and cards. “The day first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.”

In actuality, the origin of St. Valentine’s association with the day is shrouded in mystery. One legend holds that he was put to death for flouting a decree against Emporer Claudius II’s laws prohibiting young men in his military service from having wives and families by conducting marriage ceremonies. Other stories credit St. Valentine with rescuing Christians from imprisonment. Still others say he sent the first greeting from prison to his beloved and signing it “From your Valentine.”

Despite my cynicism for the commercialism of the day, there is never a bad time to express your love for someone, and if it takes a formal holiday to help you make that most essential connection with the loved ones in your life, then I’m all for it. If I may suggest just one “Connection Tip” for the occasion, don’t just send a card or note that says “I love you!” Include a personal message about what it is that you love about that person and why you cherish them. When family members go through memorabilia after someone has died, these are the kinds of notes that were saved and read over and over. Don’t assume someone knows how you feel about them. Tell them. Tell them right now. And if you don’t get it done on Valentine’s Day, for heaven’s sake, don’t wait another year.

I am not kidding (but I read it twice to make sure it was for real). According to a recent study of almost 7,000 married couples¹, when husbands and wives both do work around the house, the likelihood of having sex together is increased. Possible reasons?

• They’re spending more time together.
• Their work signals a commitment to the relationship and the home.
• Shared work means they both have more energy and time for sex.

How’s that for a Connection Strategy? While the division of labor can vary depending on a couple’s circumstances, the moral of this story seems to be, “Work hard and play hard.”

Oh sweetheart…are you in the laundry room or the kitchen?

Introducing Connection Messenger: Sarah Anma

Sometimes we women just try too hard when it comes to romantic relationships. I’ve had friends and loved ones who found themselves single at an age when it seems harder to find a good match. The biological clock is ticking, and without considerable emotional maturity and a rich support network of friends and family, the early feelings of abandonment or fear of the future can escalate into desperation. This can manifest itself in clingy behavior or unattractive neediness that repels, rather than attracts, the right partner.

A self-confident woman, on the other hand, exudes a sex appeal and attractiveness that bears little correlation to their physical attributes or curriculum vitae. A loved one in this situation told me that only when she became clear within herself about what made her happy and content without a partner did she open up a spiritual path that would attract the right partner and let them into her life.

If you’re single and looking for a love relationship, or if you’re in a relationship that needs work, visit The Art of Relationship: Sarah Anma’s Relationship Coaching site for Singles and Couples. I like Sarah’s approach to relationships, and she comes across as being very authentic, kind, and giving…someone who has learned some lessons the hard way but has risen above those obstacles to gain mastery for herself and insight for others.

NOTE 8/17/11: This blog post has been updated to reflect the transfer of content from our old Facebook Group “Revive the Art of Personal Note Writing!” to this Heartspoken blog. I now have a “Notewriting” category that will include content, encouragement, and resources to Revive the Art of Personal Notewriting!

The personal note or letter is a time-honored tool for staying in touch with people who mean a lot to you: family, friends, loved ones, and even business associates, customers, and prospects. Electronic media have given us so many other options, that it’s hard to maintain the practice of picking up a pen and paper (or even a computer and printer if your handwriting is illegible) and sending something by mail.

We can’t let the practice of writing personal notes and letters die! To paraphrase the folks at Crane’s stationery: “People always remember a note, long after they forget what exactly they did to deserve it.”

I am so passionate about encouraging people to write more personal notes that I started an open Facebook group in 2009 for discussion, tips, and inspiration about this timeless and meaningful way of connecting with people. It grew to over 150 members, but when Facebook changed the way they handled groups in 2011, I decided to gradually move that content over to this blog. You can find all these articles under the category of Notewriting. I want to make writing personal notes more fun and much easier.

Don’t miss my Secret NOTES formula for writing notes that encourage, inspire and comfort. Just put your email into the box in the right sidebar of this page. Once you confirm your email, you’re minutes away from this free report. It will rejuvenate and inspire your notewriting!

Who would love to hear from you today?