This may seem like a strange topic for someone who is passionate about learning to make and cultivate important Connections, but the cold hard truth is that all of our important connections with other people should also have boundaries. If you are someone who loves to do things for others, even when you don’t expect anything in return, you know that there are times when you get weary and resentful and feel that too many people “want a piece of you.” People in the caregiving fields are especially vulnerable: priests, physicians, psychiatrists and psychologists, nurses and social workers come to mind. Also at risk for falling into this trap are those caring for the disabled or the elderly or anyone with a chronic illness. None of us, however, is immune.

I confess that I am one of those people who has a hard time saying NO. I get involved in lots of worthwhile things, but from time to time, the perfect storm of circumstances arises and I find myself exhausted, mentally and physically. Then I become irritable and emotionally labile, and my poor husband bears the brunt of putting up with me until I get some rest and some perspective. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why don’t we recognize our own boundaries and respect them?

Family relationships are particularly fraught with boundary invasion. Parents put their children on guilt trips when they act like their happiness is dependent on a particular action or set of behaviors by our children (“Why didn’t you come see me?” “Why didn’t you call me?” “Why won’t you come for Thanksgiving?”). One spouse controls the other through guilt rather than through love.

I’m reading an amazing book by Henry Cloud called Changes that Heal (click on book image below), and it is offering lots of insight into the ways that people drift into unhealthy relationships and fail to recognize or honor boundaries–their own and the boundaries of others. This can include thinking you should take responsibility for someone else’s happiness instead of letting them take responsibility for their own. We can’t make someone else happy, so why do we keep trying? Cloud offers scriptural support for emotional maturity that embraces taking responsibility for ourselves and our own happiness and cultivating a clear sense of our own boundaries and honoring them. That includes stopping the ridiculous habit of thinking we can be all things to all people or that we can single-handedly save the world…or, God forbid, that some organization or event or project could not possibly manage without our participation. Oh, Guilty, Guilty Guilty!

Now imagine a life in which we get to know ourselves and cultivate a relationship with a higher power, so that our communion with whatever power that might be (Cloud and I call it God) guides us in the choices we make for the use of our time, our energy, and our money. There are millions of worthy things out there calling to us, but we are not supposed to do them all.

So when you get to the crux of the matter, it’s all about Balance: the balance between Grace (unconditional love and acceptance) and Truth, what is real…the way things really are.  Henry Cloud reminds us that Truth without Grace is judgment, but Grace without Truth can lead to an “I can do anything, since I’ll be forgiven” mentality. “Real intimacy always comes in the company of Truth.” Cloud suggests that when we graft Grace to Truth, we get Growth.

From a psychological standpoint, our identity develops around our uniqueness and our separateness from others. When we connect with others in a healthy way, it should not involve losing our own identity and individuality. Real relationship with someone else is not possible without a strong sense of self. “Boundaries, in short, define us,” Cloud says. “In the same way that a physical boundary defines where a property line begins and ends, a psychological and spiritual boundary defines who we are and who we are not. ”

So we must own ourselves, our feelings, and our unique personhood. We are responsible for cultivating and discerning our own gifts and talents. We are responsible for our own happiness. We are responsible for how we spend our time, our energy, and our resources. If we give from a place of love and understanding, that is healthy and generous. If we give from a sense of obligation or compulsion, we place ourselves under the Tyranny of Shoulds, and the potential for damage is huge, since it makes us feel out of control, so we resent those persons or things whom we think control us. “It’s the opposite of freedom and the opposite of love.”

In your own life, where have you allowed others to violate your boundaries? Where have you been insensitive to the boundaries of others?

Explore this topic with me further when I am interviewed by Sarah Anma, Relationship Mentor from The Art of Relationship website on her monthly World Relationship Summit on Tuesday, March 22 at 5pm Pacific time/8pm Eastern time. Our topic will be, “How do you draw the line between giving and giving too much?” Join us or listen to the recording later. Through her website and her professional work, Sarah provides a proven step-by-step system for optimum relationships.

Permalink for this blog post: http://www.heartspoken.com/2011/03/when-does-giving-become-giving-too-much

What a thrill and honor to be included among the 101 Women Bloggers to Watch in 2011 in this article by Heidi Richards! It’s an example of the Power of Connection at work. I’d been learning from master blogger Denise Wakeman (The Blog Squad) for quite some time when I actually met her at a marketing conference in Philadelphia last year. Denise supports fellow bloggers, students and clients, by promoting them whenever she can, and I credit her with suggesting my blog to this article’s author.

In her promotion of others, Denise is exhibiting one of the secrets of a Master Connector. She practices what Zig Ziglar preaches: “You can have everything in life that you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want.”

Thank you, Denise, and thank you, Heidi, for your efforts to shine a spotlight on women bloggers.

I have just returned from a workshop in North Carolina attended by about 23 power connectors, and I’m brimming with lessons learned. The Influence Style Indicator^™ workshop (a brand new assessment instrument from Discovery Learning) was sponsored by AvoLead, a strategic leadership consultancy in North Carolina that was co-founded by my sister, Sarah Albritton, and her associate and friend, Charles Eakes.

The workshop participants were almost all professional coaches with impressive credentials and wide-ranging areas of expertise including executive leadership, transition management, and organizational effectiveness. These are men and women whose defining talent is helping their clients get in touch with themselves and those with whom they live and work. As a serious student of the Power of Connection, I was in a gold mine! I made a point to meet every participant, and I also observed the way they interacted with each other. Some knew each other, but many were meeting each other for the first time. These master connectors were wonderful role models for anyone wishing to become a better connector. Here are some things they had in common:

1. Without exception, when they greeted me (and each other), they made eye contact, smiled, and offered a firm handshake.
2. Even in the most brief conversation, they asked me something about myself in a way that seemed warm and genuine.
3. If someone who knew my sister discovered our relationship, they spoke highly of her and her work. Since she is ten years younger than I, the ones who REALLY made points with me, commented on the family resemblance .
4. A surprising number were able, in a very short time, to find out enough about me to recommend a book, ask for my card, or make a connection they thought might help me. To do this they had to have been listening, paying attention, and asking follow-up questions based on what they heard.
5. Those for whom I’d written biographical profiles expressed appreciation for my work on their behalf.
6. A hallmark of their interactions was the spirit of mutual support.
7. When I returned I had emails from at least two people I’d met who were following up on something we had discussed.

These  high level consultants knew instinctively–or had learned–the simple, critical elements of making a meaningful connection with someone in a professional or social setting: eye contact, touch, listening, asking questions to affirm attentiveness and glean more information, identifying interests or acquaintances of mutual interest, and following up. Of course paying a sincere compliment — to another person or to someone their family — is always a wonderful way to connect with them in a way that is both affirming and memorable.

Practice these simple things until they become natural–always using them with authenticity–and you’ll find that not only will you make more meaningful connections, but you will be richer for the enlargement of your circle of influence.

Photo credit: Henk L. from Amsterdam via Stock.xchng

I was reminded today of a powerful connection tool that’s easy to use and absolutely free: the pen and small notepad. I first was impressed by the use of this simple, low-tech tool years ago when used by Warren B. French, Jr., retired President of Shentel and an international leader in the telecommunications industry. He always carries a little spiral notepad in his pocket, and if you ask a question or say something he wants to follow up on, he writes it down, and by golly, you’ll get a response within 48 hours. I’ve seen other people use small index cards equally effectively.

Today I was in The Market in Woodstock (a gem of a market that carries quality foods, health foods, and unique country gifts, as well as local foods and crafts) when its owner, Rich Church, came in. Rich is one of those warm, friendly people who has a real gift for making others feel special.  When he asked how my business was going, I knew he was really interested, because as I told him about this new venture and blog, he asked questions to get more details. And then he used the magic connection tool…he walked around the counter to get a pencil and notepad so he could write down the name of my website.

Our whole exchange took less than five minutes, but I can assure you that that one action on his part — writing down my website’s URL — made the difference between a polite conversation and a meaningful connection…between talking and engaging. I left feeling affirmed, and I made a mental note to myself to use this magic tool more often myself, whether I’m talking to friends or business associates.

And where do you think I’m most likely to shop the next time I need a product that The Market carries?

The foundation of any business or personal relationship is LISTENING. How can you possibly respond to the needs of your constituents if you don’t know what they are? Pay attention to every conversation, whether it’s in person, on the phone, or through social media. Stop multi-tasking and focus on the other person. You’ll be amazed what a difference it makes when you arm yourself with the information and insight this provides and when others sense that you’ve given them the gift of your attention.

Listening may be the most powerful connection tool in your whole toolbox.

Too often I see people who are warm, caring and thoughtful in their personal lives, yet when they’re dealing with employees, co-workers, customers, and prospects, they seem much stiffer and more focused on what they need to get out of these people instead of how much they can give them. A service mentality should be cultivated here too. When that becomes the focus, then instead of thinking “How many of these widgets can I get this customer to buy?” or “How much money can I get this potential donor to give?” you’ll be thinking, “How can I help this person in some way?” “How can I help this donor fulfill their philanthropic dreams?” Help them find the puzzle piece they’re missing…

So how do you figure out what they need or want? By listening…but that’s a topic for another post…

NOTE 8/17/11: This blog post has been updated to reflect the transfer of content from our old Facebook Group “Revive the Art of Personal Note Writing!” to this Heartspoken blog. I now have a “Notewriting” category that will include content, encouragement, and resources to Revive the Art of Personal Notewriting!

The personal note or letter is a time-honored tool for staying in touch with people who mean a lot to you: family, friends, loved ones, and even business associates, customers, and prospects. Electronic media have given us so many other options, that it’s hard to maintain the practice of picking up a pen and paper (or even a computer and printer if your handwriting is illegible) and sending something by mail.

We can’t let the practice of writing personal notes and letters die! To paraphrase the folks at Crane’s stationery: “People always remember a note, long after they forget what exactly they did to deserve it.”

I am so passionate about encouraging people to write more personal notes that I started an open Facebook group in 2009 for discussion, tips, and inspiration about this timeless and meaningful way of connecting with people. It grew to over 150 members, but when Facebook changed the way they handled groups in 2011, I decided to gradually move that content over to this blog. You can find all these articles under the category of Notewriting. I want to make writing personal notes more fun and much easier.

Don’t miss my Secret NOTES formula for writing notes that encourage, inspire and comfort. Just put your email into the box in the right sidebar of this page. Once you confirm your email, you’re minutes away from this free report. It will rejuvenate and inspire your notewriting!

Who would love to hear from you today?

We entrepreneurs may blithely assume that a prospect’s first impression will occur the first time they meet us in person somewhere. This is sometimes true, but often, their first impression comes long before this. Have you done everything you can to ensure that this first first impression is a positive one?

ONLINE:

Your website or blog will often be the first place people will begin forming an impression about you. Is it professional with an attractive logo that is used consistently for branding purposes? Is it easy to read and easy to navigate? Can the customer understand quickly what you do, what you sell, and how to get in touch with you? Have you made it easy for someone to contact you by offering both phone number and e-mail…or even a toll free number? Do you have a video to welcome people to your site? This is almost like meeting you in person and can convey warmth and sincerity with remarkable effectiveness.

In today’s world of viral messages, tweets, Facebook, and LinkedIn, the chances are good that someone’s very first impression of you happens when you or your company have been mentioned, tagged, tweeted, or otherwise discussed (positively or negatively). It may occur when you post a message to a forum or an answer to a question on LinkedIn. It may occur when someone reads an article you’ve written or views a Squidoo lens or video you’ve created. So do your best to contribute generously to any online community in which you choose to participate. Demonstrate your expertise in your industry by helping others solve their problems or get information they need. Set up alerts so you’ll know when you are being discussed and can jump in to confirm something good or repair something bad.

OFFLINE:

Storefronts, signage, ads, marketing materials and your printed stationery (letterhead, business cards, etc.) all contribute to first impressions of you and your business. Ask yourself most of the same questions I asked above for your website. Make sure these items convey the image you want.

The things that a potential customer hears, sees and thinks about you before actually meeting you in person can provide fertile soil for the after-sale cultivation of that relationship … or they can create a barrier that has to be overcome. First impressions matter.

I try very hard to speak from the heart in all my deliberations, both personal and professional. I disagree that you have to be somehow different when you’re at work than when you’re at home, though admittedly there are perhaps different filters through which to process your words. But the source of your words — the heart — should be the same.

So what do I mean by speaking from the heart? Do I mean you should be blunt or abrupt and always “tell it like it is?” Do I mean you should tell the truth no matter what pain it might cause? No, that’s not my message. Here are Heartspoken Action Steps to help ingrain the habit of speaking from the heart:

• Before speaking, listen…and pay attention. Attentiveness is a gift we should give others freely, whether we’re with them in person or on the phone.
• Say what you mean, without beating around the bush. Hidden agendas are deceptive. Try to be a “what you see is what you get” kind of person.
• Make kindness and thoughtfulness the well from which you draw your words.
• If you’re with someone in person, look them in the eye. Not only will you pick up cues from the other person’s face, but they will sense your own sincerity.

Are there situations where you can’t or shouldn’t tell everything you know about something? Of course…often. That is another topic, but I only want to emphasize now that when you do speak, make it count and make it something that contributes to the connection you have with the person who is listening.